Friday, April 28, 2006
scene: stolen scooter
a guy parks a motor scooter and runs into a convenience store. a thief nearby notices that the iginition is broken and requires no key. he tries to steal the scooter but the owner catches up to him on foot because the vehicle is so slow.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
iMTV
remake your favorite early era music videos with your friends. i want to be one of the guys in Olivia Newton John's Let's Get Physical video.
The Song Game
try to sing the words from one song to the tune of another. then SWITCH IT.
this might be an appropriate topic for the game Cranium.
this might be an appropriate topic for the game Cranium.
Amen Omen
Right now my girlfriend is deciding whether or not to return to England or stay in Taiwan for another year. The indecision has put a lot of stress on our (love) life. I was greeted last night with the sounds of A SCANNER DARKLY, sending her acceptance form to University. omen #1.
Then the moving company showed up and calculated the cost of moving her stuff back to Europe. omen#2
I felt bewildered and betrayed as we climbed into bed, but somehow, biology finds a way. She said, "it's early," and I asked, "does that mean I'm going to be getting laid?" Things looked good, but somewhere between The Office (Quiz episode) and the bedspread (failure episode) she said, "I can't be giving you sex all the time. Maybe twice a week." omen#3
Twice a week?! Am I that bad in bed? We had great sex 4 days ago but every day after that has been a negotiation and a lesson in fickle mood swings that make my own look like those of my father (who has 2 Masters degrees in Engineering and and Accounting). I feel like I'm in bed with the sexiest woman I've ever met and yet feel like I'm haggling for flip-flops in the 3rd world. "Tomorrow, I promise..." and tomorrow never comes. I can't even go relieve myself at home because I've subleased my apartment out to Chuck.
To top it all off, this morning I go get a coffee downstairs at "La Guardia" and get chided for smoking at a table alone outside. I understand the plight of non-smokers, but I am in ASIA for chrissakes and must tolerate acid rain, gangsters smoking in elevators, and taxi driver betelnut projectiles. Most men blow their nose into the air without tissues (or any general aim) and there are no rules governing farting (caught one in the face at a restaurant last month). So I couldn't even enjoy my morning cancer. Omen #4
I don't know if all this misery is a sign from god saying "fuck you" or a sign from random chaos saying the same thing, but I assume there's some good story fodder in there somewhere.
Then the moving company showed up and calculated the cost of moving her stuff back to Europe. omen#2
I felt bewildered and betrayed as we climbed into bed, but somehow, biology finds a way. She said, "it's early," and I asked, "does that mean I'm going to be getting laid?" Things looked good, but somewhere between The Office (Quiz episode) and the bedspread (failure episode) she said, "I can't be giving you sex all the time. Maybe twice a week." omen#3
Twice a week?! Am I that bad in bed? We had great sex 4 days ago but every day after that has been a negotiation and a lesson in fickle mood swings that make my own look like those of my father (who has 2 Masters degrees in Engineering and and Accounting). I feel like I'm in bed with the sexiest woman I've ever met and yet feel like I'm haggling for flip-flops in the 3rd world. "Tomorrow, I promise..." and tomorrow never comes. I can't even go relieve myself at home because I've subleased my apartment out to Chuck.
To top it all off, this morning I go get a coffee downstairs at "La Guardia" and get chided for smoking at a table alone outside. I understand the plight of non-smokers, but I am in ASIA for chrissakes and must tolerate acid rain, gangsters smoking in elevators, and taxi driver betelnut projectiles. Most men blow their nose into the air without tissues (or any general aim) and there are no rules governing farting (caught one in the face at a restaurant last month). So I couldn't even enjoy my morning cancer. Omen #4
I don't know if all this misery is a sign from god saying "fuck you" or a sign from random chaos saying the same thing, but I assume there's some good story fodder in there somewhere.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Dada Quickspell Poetry
What wrong words come up on the Quickspell function of your cell phone?
loo = jon
jesus = jests
god = hoe
queer = steer = puffs (!)
OK, how about whole sentences?
Bake able bald calf.
Acne band bane came.
Dual duck fuck.
loo = jon
jesus = jests
god = hoe
queer = steer = puffs (!)
OK, how about whole sentences?
Bake able bald calf.
Acne band bane came.
Dual duck fuck.
The Mornailing Tribews
Remixed News Headlines:
Bush Orders Probe Into Nude Man Stuck in Chimney.
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BUSH_GAS_PRICES?SITE=7219&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2006-04-24-21-02-48
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/04/24/D8H6L8TO0.html
Bush Slams Women Who Think Housework is Better Than Sex
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2006/04/25/bush_slams_mass_deportation_plan/
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2148882,00.html
Deep Throat Hole Swallows Man
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/04/24/AR2006042401838.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/24/national/main1534891.shtml
Bush Orders Probe Into Nude Man Stuck in Chimney.
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BUSH_GAS_PRICES?SITE=7219&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2006-04-24-21-02-48
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/04/24/D8H6L8TO0.html
Bush Slams Women Who Think Housework is Better Than Sex
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2006/04/25/bush_slams_mass_deportation_plan/
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2148882,00.html
Deep Throat Hole Swallows Man
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/04/24/AR2006042401838.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/24/national/main1534891.shtml
Friday, April 21, 2006
Backwardsland
More than the writing in Taiwan is backwards. The garbage trucks play ice-cream truck jingles. You eat your soup after your meal. If someone else makes a mistake, you're supposed to say sorry. The list goes on, but I never thought it would pervade the party scene. The weekend was the soberest in ages. But wednesday turned into an impromptu 80's-electro-disco-house allnighter. I bought my first house album and Nicola busted out a scratch on the decks. Is this love? Friday: sober at Liquid Lounge
Wednesday: shnarfing blades with spliffs valium and Fanjiu (Fanta & beer) in the Pink Palace.
This makes more sense to me. Maybe the Chinese have got it right. Party during the week, sleep during the weekend. No, they're still retarded.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
yahoo (worst) answers
Why are stairs called 'stairs' when inside, but when you're outside they're called 'steps' ?
It dates back to the English translation of Vasquez's discovery of an Aztec temple (Mt.Titikaka). Locals believed that ascending the steps brought you closer to heaven. They were infuriated to find out that Latinate derivatives (Spanish,English,etc...) used stairs and steps synonymously. King Ferdinand pacified the locals' by inventing the word ESTEPPE (step) whilst secretly undermining their civilization with systematic raping and pillaging.
*this got voted best answer
It dates back to the English translation of Vasquez's discovery of an Aztec temple (Mt.Titikaka). Locals believed that ascending the steps brought you closer to heaven. They were infuriated to find out that Latinate derivatives (Spanish,English,etc...) used stairs and steps synonymously. King Ferdinand pacified the locals' by inventing the word ESTEPPE (step) whilst secretly undermining their civilization with systematic raping and pillaging.
*this got voted best answer
Monday, April 17, 2006
Refrigerator w/ Time-Lock Safe
a refrigerator with a time-lock safe in the freezer compartment. ideal for people with no will-power. lock up the good chocolate and program the safe to open on Friday. this has broad applications including money, drugs, and gourmet foodstuffs. (ok, those are its only applications). i don't remember how this idea evolved but i accredit Nicola for reminding me to post it.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
variations of a story's permutation
a distorted future where the number of women is starkly disproportionate to men. so wives are allotted on a lottery basis, for a year's duration. the protagonist watches a couple in a neighboring block with envy. he can't wait until he gets a wife (for a year). when the time comes and he does get to live with a woman, it's anticlimactic. he actually hates it and divorces her (a jailable offense).
nicola pointed out that there is already a similiar story by m.atwood called The Handmaid's Tale.
then she told me about a dream that's more interesting than either of the above ideas. Nicola had to choose whether to be a prostitute, free to do what she wants, or a vegetable scrubber (in a castle) with no freedom. a slave basically. she chose the moral path, but whilst washing cabbages one day she noticed how much fun the whores were having, partying and carrying on. so she wanted to be a 'ho in the end.
the dream ends here but i figure it has all the trappings of a classic fairy tale, perhaps suitable for a Flash animation Disney spoof. Vera is madly in love with Wilhelm. She could become a prostitute but they would never be able to get married. So she takes a job in Duke Tarquin's castle, hoping Wilhelm can get wealthy enough to rescue her. Meanwhile, Wilhelm is studying to become a Barrister's Assistant. He is unable to communicate with Vera and she thinks he has forgotten her. So she takes a job turning trix.
Years pass but Vera's love pains do not. Wilhelm's boss buys him a prostitute for his birthday. He is surprised to see Vera walk through the door. They shag. How does the story end? Ideas anyone?
nicola pointed out that there is already a similiar story by m.atwood called The Handmaid's Tale.
then she told me about a dream that's more interesting than either of the above ideas. Nicola had to choose whether to be a prostitute, free to do what she wants, or a vegetable scrubber (in a castle) with no freedom. a slave basically. she chose the moral path, but whilst washing cabbages one day she noticed how much fun the whores were having, partying and carrying on. so she wanted to be a 'ho in the end.
the dream ends here but i figure it has all the trappings of a classic fairy tale, perhaps suitable for a Flash animation Disney spoof. Vera is madly in love with Wilhelm. She could become a prostitute but they would never be able to get married. So she takes a job in Duke Tarquin's castle, hoping Wilhelm can get wealthy enough to rescue her. Meanwhile, Wilhelm is studying to become a Barrister's Assistant. He is unable to communicate with Vera and she thinks he has forgotten her. So she takes a job turning trix.
Years pass but Vera's love pains do not. Wilhelm's boss buys him a prostitute for his birthday. He is surprised to see Vera walk through the door. They shag. How does the story end? Ideas anyone?
sarcasm font:
don't you hate it when you send a sarcastic text message and your friend takes it seriously?
the font could be a backwards slanting affair, reminscent of italics (thanks Nicola). so go ahead, feel free to use sarcasm with confidence, because all of you guys are just so damn funny!
Friday, April 14, 2006
dj3b 2003
dj billy-bob bloodworth spinning with a canadian touk (thanks brigitte!)
of particular notice is the sweatshirt. it says COLLEGE in chinese.
Ring Smart
a cell phone ring option that rings at a volume slightly louder than the background noise around the phone. the software could make a quick sound check of the noise levels using the phone's mouthpiece, and then adjust the ring volume accordingly. (obviously this wouldn't work well if the phone was in your pocket or satchel, but this could be a ring option).
this could open up a whole new can of worms for espionage if software was developed that enabled the mouthpiece to transmit/record conversations without the user turning the phone on, but hey, landlined telephones can be switched by the operator to transmit signals without being lifted off the hook. so don't plan a coup d'etat around a phone, even one that's hung up!
this could open up a whole new can of worms for espionage if software was developed that enabled the mouthpiece to transmit/record conversations without the user turning the phone on, but hey, landlined telephones can be switched by the operator to transmit signals without being lifted off the hook. so don't plan a coup d'etat around a phone, even one that's hung up!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
just atypical Wednesday night
great hang session with anna, mario, and nicola at the pink palace. looking at pictures from 2003 (?) on anna's computer. she found a pic of me spinning records at a party she and mario were at. it came as a relief to my splotchy memory. being a compulsive liar, i've secretly been doubting if i ever really was a dj.Xanadu clips and an impromptu Pointer Sisters dance session prompted the following ideas for party motifs:
Jump Party (eclectic fashion, dress as any manifestation of a Jump song)
Pointer Sisters, Van Halen, Sir-Mix-A-Lot, Lester Young, Cypress Hill
Aerobics Party (ok, i'm pining for an excuse to break out the Richard Simmons LP, but everyone could come in leotards; very gay-friendly)
unbeknownst to us, halfway around the world, at the same time...
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/9777431/june_pointer_loses_cancer_battle?rnd=1144915612002&has-player=true&version=6.0.12.1040
how's this for synchronicity aaron? bastard.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Plotline: Placebic Mood Weapon
A mood weapon that you can aim at a whole country. I'm sure the Army has considered this (check out the justification for gay bombs and bad breath bombs) http://www.aljazeera.com/me.asp?service_ID=6691
The story would show a society tearing itself apart from the inside. The protagonist could uncover the secret weapon and trace it to a foreign power. This would unite people and have a civilizing effect. A captured enemy mad scientist could add a nice twist at the end by pointing out that the weapon was never built, because a placebo was cheaper.
The story would show a society tearing itself apart from the inside. The protagonist could uncover the secret weapon and trace it to a foreign power. This would unite people and have a civilizing effect. A captured enemy mad scientist could add a nice twist at the end by pointing out that the weapon was never built, because a placebo was cheaper.
Hands-Free iPod Mute
i hate digging my iPod out to mute a song for a second while someone says something to me briefly. even worse is taking the bud out of my ear. so how about a hands-free muting function.
years ago, i had this headphone for my cell phone that acted as a microphone by picking up vibrations from the jaw. the headphone had a soft gel piece around it that acted as a sensitive conduit.
use the jaw vibration to send a signal to the headphones to mute. you could select 1 sec, 2 sec, 5 sec muting options, of course. maybe use a hum to activate the mute. that way when someone asks you a question, you can simulataneously get them to repeat the question and turn off your headphones with one "Hmm?"
years ago, i had this headphone for my cell phone that acted as a microphone by picking up vibrations from the jaw. the headphone had a soft gel piece around it that acted as a sensitive conduit.
use the jaw vibration to send a signal to the headphones to mute. you could select 1 sec, 2 sec, 5 sec muting options, of course. maybe use a hum to activate the mute. that way when someone asks you a question, you can simulataneously get them to repeat the question and turn off your headphones with one "Hmm?"
Crossword Puzzle Memory Gauge
use the data harvested from a person's Google search history to customize a personal crossword puzzle for them to evaluate how good their memory (or weed) is. One across could be a question about your first grade teacher, or Outkast's first song, etc...
after the age of 20, the average person loses 1 gram or 9,000 brain cells each day. Grandmasters can actually feel their game slipping as they lose their minds.
after the age of 20, the average person loses 1 gram or 9,000 brain cells each day. Grandmasters can actually feel their game slipping as they lose their minds.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Monkorgy
After 11 years in Taiwan, I finally got a chance to visit a Buddhist temple. I hope Jebus isn't jealous, but it just happened to be located right next to an Italian restaurant. The China Post had an article about criminals smuggling themselves into Taiwan guised as Tibetan monks. That would explain why I keep getting hit on by guys in maroon robes. Not that Christianity is having any more success with abstinence, but there's just something way too homoerotic about men in maroon togas with obsessive shaving habits. Perhaps these shyster monks are as culturally impoverished as I am, relying on films like Raise the Red Lantern to understand Chinese culture. Red Lanterns Raised (x100) explains all the randy saints poking around these parts. Actually no film could come close to explaining Chinese culture -- unless there's a film called Chinese Fire Drill.
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