The Manpon

Inspired by 43 hours of cocaine, ecstasy, and a mullet haircut, I invented a methane abosrption device this weekend. It's a wadded-up synthetic fiber that fits comfortably inside the underpants. It absorbs farts throughout the day.

Now for the good part. Used Manpon (thanks Nicola) receptacles in public restrooms collect the gas and use it as a renewable energy source for maintaining upscale restroom facilities.

*Note, the Manpon is non-invasive. Its lightweight non-abrasive material rests comfortably in most standard underwear garments. For those worried about unsightly bulges, stay tuned for the New & Improved Ultra-thin Manitary Napkin (again, thanks Nicola).

Gascam

A camera that has a (CH4) lens filter -- for the unenlightened, that spells fart in the parlance of chemists. These cameras do exist due to "the 100 billion cubic feet of natural gas lost each year due to fugitive leaks from the gas industry’s 3000 compressor stations in the U.S."

Aside from the $200 million lost annually, I foresee even better applications of this technology. Every late night show could prosper from a Gascam, placed in various locations. Imagine a couple on a date sitting at a restaurant table. Someone gets up to use the restroom, the other person lets loose a plume of gas, surreptitiously fanning the area with a dinner napkin. How about a Gascam at a train station? You could simultaneously record the expulsion and the reaction of people in close proximity. If mainstream entertainment doesn't support this, I'm sure there's a few Sociology departments out there ready to hand out PhD.s for the niagara of data just waiting to be mined.

http://www.gastechnology.org/webroot/app/xn/xd.aspx?it=enweb&xd=10abstractpage%5C020200.xml

111000101 killed the DJ

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/1658983.stm

That's it. hP has invented an artificial intelligence that can mix beats and respond to "bored" clubbers through biofeedback sensors. The question is, will the computer software opt for fuzzy logic and start frying its circuits like a real DJ?

oESL

How funny would it be to start an Old English as a Second Language cram school. Offer dirt cheap tuition and spread the dead dialect. The humor alone is worth it, but the added advantage is sabotaging the Chinese stronghold on the future. Who am I kidding. We'll all be speaking 中文 by the time I'm middle-aged...豆 (D'oh!)

This joke started after I was justifying my geezerly groans to my girlfriend. It's ok to groan in the shower, during any body fluid excretion, and when drinking water. Actually, all 3 rules can be whittled down to a nice single statement: it's ok to groan around water. Three rules into one. Parsimony. What's parsimony? I had to look it up.

parsimony - extreme frugality; niggardliness. (from OE hneaw, stingy)

Ok, maybe we were baked but I still find this dictionary entry pretty damn funny.

Ipsation Icon

ipsation
Or: ipsism , self-induced sexual excitement; autoeroticism or masturbation .

Instead of the pink triangle icon, I suggest a mirror triangle.

Let's Make a Wheel

Short Story idea: Running Man meets MacGyver

A future game show where contestants compete to reinvent the wheel, and all other major technilogical advancements, including the secrets behind the aging process and death. The players have laboratories and all the time they need. Their brains have been "swiped" clean of all practical knowledge and they must literally re-invent the wheel at every turn. Some of the paths lead players to far greater extents of technological prowess and one finally bests his game-show captors and escapes.

17

Wife Didn't Realize Husband Was A Woman
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=386300&in_page_id=1770&ct=5

If 47 is the code word for a closeted gay man (viz. the age Kenton's dad came out), then 17 can be the code word for a closeted gay woman.

Human Ancestors May Have Interbred With Chimpanzees

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/18/science/18evolve.html?hp&ex=1147924800&en=1532c063419f69ad&ei=5094&partner=homepage

This explains a lot. I never felt disheartened believing we descended from apes. The self-righteous Christian right has set up a ditochomy, "well, I don't come from monkeys." Chimpanzees share most of their DNA with us. I've always felt like the poor Christians would feel much worse if they knew we descended from amoeba.

Now the lines are drawn around interbreeding. Some of us might have indeed come from monkey fuckers. That would explain how Christians can maintain their cult in the face of constant evidence to the contrary.

The Color of Evil

"Albino's Condemn Da Vinci Code's Assassin"
Michael McGowan, an albino who heads the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation, said "The Da Vinci Code" will be the 68th movie since 1960 to feature an evil albino.

So what are we supposed to do, piss off niggers? We're running out of bad colors. The US Government has a monopoly on brown right now. Asians are just too cute to be evil on the silver screen (remember Sean Connery in You Only Live Twice). That leaves the door wide open for native americans. Maybe Mission Impossible IV will pit Tom Cruise against Crazy Horse.

CrazyHorse: Where's the rabbit skin?
Tom: I gave it to you, already. Now PLEASE let my parakeet go.
CrazyHorse: I'm going to count to ten.
Tom: Wait. I gave it to you. Don't kill my beloved birdie!
CrazyHorse: 8...
Tom: What happened to 1 through 7?
CrazyHorse: Payback for manifest destiny genocide.
Tom: Ok! Ok! Look. Just do what's right.
CrazyHorse: 9...
Tom: Birds share a common ancestor with mankind.
CrazyHorse: 10..
Tom: NO!

BANG.

Mannequin Party

One rule: to leave the party, you have to leave your clothes on a mannequin. By the time the party fizzles, the last people standing can pretend the party's still going.

Clues not Included

A crossword puzzle that doesn't come with clues. The puzzle is partially completed so you just fill in words that are feasible and then cross-check them. I could never enjoy a crossword puzzle like this, though, as it would entail a lot of erasing. And there just ain't nothing like the feel of ink on newspaper!

90% of our energy comes from Oxygen

Here's some more synchronicity. Mike's data on oxygen made me go out and buy a can. 90% of our energy comes from oxygen, not food. His data on Taiwan (in conclusion ...no safety standards) made me afraid to open it. "You'll probably inhale a little particle and get emphysema the rest of your life."

Oxygen cans hit the racks in Japan on my birthday, June 14th.
http://www.rapidnewswire.com/5146-cannedoxygen-0245.htm

Conclusion Magazine

This is the title of a magazine I'd like to create highlighting the biggest social blunders in Taiwan. I've always thought that social pressure and loss of face could be used to my advantage. So this magazine would print pictures of local Taiwanese who let their children scream in bookstores. Or guys who talk on their cell phones extra loud in movie theaters. Or rich bitch momsluts who clickety-clack right to the front of the line without shame. The magazine would try to shame people into civil obedience. "Oh, no. I don't want my picture in Conclusion, I'd better act like a real parent and tell my kid to shut the fuck up!"

No matter what the topic is, all of my conversations seem to end. In conclusion, the Taiwanese are retarded.

The Drug Olympics

An extended party using Competition as the theme. There would be a panel of judges: A Fat Bitch, Gay Bloke, and a Nerdy voice of reason Guy.

Balancing Competition (alcohol)
Headstand Competition (ketamine)
Mannequin Pinata Comptetion (anything)
Wet T-shirt (poppers)
Making Shoes out of Paper -- platform shoes (acid)
Scavenger Competition (opium)
Quiet Game (coke)

Computer Rat

Rat- a computer mouse that reports on the computer user if you're on the computer stoned. Software could be used to detect abberant behavior in computer users' mouse control or dexterity. The software would notify local authorities who could bust down your door looking for drugs.

Map Prank

First buy some city maps. Then scan them into your computer. Change shit around using Photoshop, then print them out. Neatly fold the maps and swap them with legitimate maps.

Welcome to the big leagues of pranks. I know, this will cost you some money. And you won't be there to see the prank come to fruition. However, if doing a good deed is only pure if nobody knows about it, then the same applies to mischief.

Substitute Bitch

Substitute girlfriend. The catch is this one bitches constantly, doesn't go out, and nags all night making you NOT miss your real girlfriend. OK, most people won't pay for this, but if you're having separation anxiety and co-dependency issues, call 1-800-WE-BITCH.

God as Judge Wapner

How does God arbitrate over conflicts of interest?

Ron: Forgive me Lord for my sins. Please give me the patience to cope with my new boss at work...and oh yeah, let my wife give me more head.
Cathy: Forgive me Lord. Please help all the starving kids I saw on TV last night. Give me strength to keep on my diet, and curb Ron's insatiable libido!
God: I've reviewed the facts -- actually I previewed them. I am omniscient you know. Cathy has a good record so I'm going to go ahead and grant her prayer. This communion is adjourned.

Gay Church: Sin Creases

I'd like to combine my love of costumes with my love of heresy. What better way than a Gay Church in Taiwan. I'm sure my self-admnistered Minister's certificate is valid somewhere. The props for the photo-op could include S&M gear, Victorian gowns, etc...

The Gay Church could also be a worshipping ground for people who have faith in God, but wanna hedge their bets, just to be safe. So all religions are welcomed. The Chinese don't seem to care that most religions are mutually exclusive. When it comes to syncresis, they're hedgehogs.

Rebound: Women's Lib in China

This is an idea for a paper criticizing the lack of freedom for women in modern China. The survey includes social movements from the end of foot-binding through the current infidelity milieu of the 21st century.

Entrancing Exit Party

enamored with a clue in the stunday crossword, nicola and i have been turning the pun "entrancing entrance" around enough to foment a new party idea where the theme is Entrances and Exits.

Hypnotist (go around with a fob chain and watch all night)
Marching Band (they'll be able to hear you coming a mile away!)
Night Market Jewelry Glowing T-shirt (in trance)
Cape + Smoke Bombs (bob's magician exit bit)
B (if you know the guy, no explanation necessary)
Typhoon - or Tropical Storm at least (come in squirting everyone with waterguns under a cloud of smoke)
Bondage + Whips
Conservative ---> flaming Queer (coming in to the party by coming out of the closet)
Police Raid
Exam (dress up like a huge sheet of paper or maybe steal a desk and put wheels on it)
Naked
Jesus
Covered in Blood on a Stretcher (this idea was crossed off our brainstorming list for some reason)
128-Piece Orchestra (ok, maybe a 64)

Doorway (this is my favorite idea because you come as the entrance and exit simultaneously. the doorway goes around the person and should have a hinged door so you can slam the door in anyone's face all night. a peephole and doorbell would be cool. maybe a lock too.)

Botox / Detox Party

This party would combine (mike's idea) for a Botox party where everyone is fugged-up but unable to express emotion with people who aren't on drugs. your job is to decide who's on pills with a paralyzed face and who's just boring.

Pillow Fight Night

Nicola's idea for a party where friends pillow fight on a huge matress in the middle of the dance floor. the key to this party is the pillow. show your style! penguins, crocodiles, or red sequins! (maybe half price for bringing your own pillow). the music can be centered around the theme Jump.

weekend bender

love is being the last 2 standing.