Subway Boycott: Everything is Upside Down

Backwards writing is one thing (in fact, as a left-hander it's really cool) but the Chinese have gone too far trying to make sandwiches upside-down. I think god is just testing me after a hasty Thai food boycott. Test away, god, Subway is now on the list, too. I'm going to eat my words (or worse, Chinese food) someday, but there is something profoundly retarded about an upside-down sandwich. The tuna sogs through the bread and the nuts fall off if you turn it upside-down. Unfortunately I speak Chinese, so I had the option of inquiring why anyone would make a sandwich upside-down. Nobody could answer me, so I decided to actually try it. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe sandwiches were always upside-down. Maybe I tunnelled into another universe with strange tomato topologies. No. The Chinese are fucked. This was the last Subway sandwich I'll ever eat (upside-down, backwards, inside-out, or regular).

In case you're wondering, I checked. Sandwiches come from gambling addiction. Is nothing sacred to the Chinese?
http://www.wordsources.info/words-mod-sandwich.html

Glam Butch

As you can tell from the picture, Nicola's all about the elbows. Her hands are always moving and I've been on the receiving end of more manslaps than anyone in Asia. You might not be able to tell but she's quite butch. And glam. Liza pointed out how beautiful it is that the queerest heterosexual* in town is dating the world's hottest Glam Butch. I think Glam Butch would make a good character. She's got cleavage and a fast uppercut for anyone laughing at her man.

*maybe runner-up to Conrad or Trevor

How To Pack for Africa

It takes me hours of indecisiveness, packing, unpacking, bag-selection, and coat deliberation just to go to Taipei. I can't imagine how hard it is to pack for an African hot-air balloon safari. Donna is sporting a parsimonious luggage plan that includes a cool hat and a pair of binoculars . (even if the trip sucks, the binocs will come in handy later for long-distance/rooftop charades)

BOYCOTT: Coconut Grave

Not that Taichung's restaurant selection allows one to exercise restraint (much less choice) the urge to shoot myself in the foot has arisen yet again. Coconut Grove was looking like a promising Thai food option. As you can see, there are only 2 tables of customers (out of 4). But they wouldn't let me order take-out. I even agreed to sit at one of the tables and then get a doggy bag, but they were wise to my shenanigans. If other business models failed at the 50% mark, Marx would whistle the National Anthem of Thailand. You have to wonder how a business survives with 50% capacity but America is still a democracy with the same voter turnout.

Finga's Lady Hits Bob, Deservedly

Summer's back. Seems like the only way to not feel hot is to cycle, swim, and dance a lot. The nice thing about riding a shitty bike is that it was still next to the tree where I left it last August. It's just as fast as riding a scooter if you run the red lights and you get a nice buns-o-steel feeling after a coupla weeks. I was going the wrong way up the street when Lily (Finga's owner) came out of nowhere and smashed into me. Funny, it was near the same intersection as Jill's bike wreck. I walked away without a scratch but now I have to buy a new front wheel and obey traffic laws.

Phone for Schizophrenics

This is an evolving idea that started with the RANDOM ALARM function in a hypothetical phone. Last night, as Nicola showed me how to quickspell the word kool she accidentally put in look. "See, just put in LO and OK." wow, her phone has a backwards spell button?!

Crossword Remix

Try to arrange the same words in a crossword in a new configuration. You could race to see who comes up with the fewest black squares. Or fill in your own words into a normal crossword puzzle disregarding the clues.

Why I'm 49% Gay

Younger Brothers More Likely Gay
http://www.freemarketnews.com/WorldNews.asp?nid=15716
I remember mike talking about this years ago. The proposed evolutionary stable strategy of this is that lower testosterone levels during embryology of subsequent fetuses would yield more siblings with "nesting" skills so characteristic of faggy guys. This makes sense to me. It also goes a long way toward explaining my own 49% gayness. My mom had a miscarriage before me.

Letterology (oooh)

this is inspired by Jill's blog entry of her newest additions to the infamous list of "most hated words."
the pic on the right is a google image search of blessed moustache.
first, you should check out http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

"moist slacks" -- SLICK TO MASS
"precious moustache" -- MEATIER HOCUS POCUS
"value added homeland" -- LOVE AND A MUDDLEHEAD
"moist heartland" -- HATED MORTAL SIN

i think there's some weird mixed up hidden truths in letters regardless of sequence. woe, like i totally founded a new discipline of mysticism, letterology!

New Orleans ... terrorized by transvestite gang...

Finally, people might stop picking on transvestites. This gives me a little inspiration to write a story about a marauding group of cross-dressers who find they are only fighting themselves whilst they strike out at an apathetic society.

http://www.neworleanscitybusiness.com/uptotheminute.cfm?recid=4912&userID=0&referer=dailyUpdate

Differential Meme Map

the idea is to compile a comprehensive list of interests and influences (like on blogspot, favorite books, songs, etc...) over time. i'm not so interested in who else is reading Slavoj Zizek or listening to Thelonius Monk as i am interested in who got there from kurt vonnegut and progressive art rock. this meme map of your personality spine could be much more informative. it sucks when you meet someone at a node in their life's trajectory that is actually heading the opposite direction as you. for awhile you might be thinking, "hey, we're into the same shit. bitchen!" but as time goes on, you just drift apart towards the inevitable sinusoidal arc of your different interests. the Meme map could save you a lot of time and heart-ache. "oh, you're coming out of heroin addiction. damn."

Chauncey's Birthday

Monday night birthday bash for Chauncey at an indian restaurant. Chauncey lives up to his name, sporting professional 5-star chef skillz and a debonaire temperament. Everyone looks really serious in these pix, either because i suck as a phontographer or because it's almost comedown tuesday. We ended up across the street at (another) indian restaurant called Bollywood to watch the Italy-Australia world cup game. Donna froze balls and hid under sofa cushions. I learned that sports can be interesting if the guys have italian names and sexy hair-cuts.

Quotes:
Malaysian Waitress: Have a banana chip...it's ok, they're not taiwanese.
Steve: Soccer actually comes from English Association of Football.
Liza: You know, way back when we lived in caves and were pre-people.
Rob: I'm on me blot, stick it up me bum (in reference to ozzy girls on the rag).

Declan Proposes, Friends Get Trashed

well it's official. liza got her ring and didn't quit smiling the whole night.
i'm always up for a night of debauchery in the big city but there's nothing like the W-word for melting ladies hearts. nicola's response was, "we must go." that said, the high parts of the evening included me passing out fliers to neo-Nazis accidentally, mistaking a total stranger for a famous DJ (we partied all night) and discovering a new fetish for trashy chicks who do drugs on public buses.
Quote of the evening:
You could be an extra in a porn movie.
-Richard, Financier

CHOMP

saturday lunch. i'm just waking up, hungover from a night of coke, etc... and I'm the woice of weason for nicola's mental breakdown as she tries to piece her life together whilst moving house, changing jobs, maintaining a drug addiction, juggling my crazy-ass mood swings and bouts of puntiness*, AND prepare 2 of the dirtiest "house" and "electro" sets for the following weekend.

*punting - an activity in England where a posh Cambridge university student will take you on a tour in a little boat with a big stick and point out all of the cool shit around.

Man About Town

it has been brought to my attention that i'm not posting enough photos. that's mainly because all my friends are bastards and don't share the pix with me.

i'm going to call my new anti-beautiful mind alter-ego Mat.

got my mind on my Mullet and my Mullet on my Mind

great 666 party...just getting pix back now. after passing out flyers to a dead audience, we stumbled into a liquid lounge birthday bash for Matty-D and Gareth. things just got better and better, culminating in a sunday morning gangster party where there was so much ketamine that i found myself disussing telepathy and the lost city of atlantis with a chinese chef. the high part of the afterparty (besides the coke) was meeting a quiet guy i'd always seen around but never spoke to. he was really cool and ended up getting nicola a fat pad in my old apartment building.

Paranoia's Just Having All the Facts

Just read that Taipei ranked 29th out of 35 countries ranked for rudeness. This confirms my gut feeling that the people here are dicks. New York was ranked as the least rude in the study(!) The up side to this is that there are only six other countries in the world that I could move to that are worse.

Bowl 'n Slide (or Slip Right Up Noah's Alley)

After an exciting trip to the bowling alley in day 23 of the most rain I've ever experienced (why did I move to a tropical rain forest?) i've decided that you can't beat the torrential monsoon downpour, so why not join it. Slip 'n Slide meets the PBA tour. You are the bowling ball. The pins are lifesized animal pairs. You slide down the alley into the animal pins and then spill into a swimming pool. You could wear a Noah smock and get trashed (hey, Noah is accredited with the invention of wine in the bible!)

Variations include:
Russian Slip Up where one of the animals is real (or filled with rocks).
Fraternity Slip Up where all the animals are real.
Jihad Slip Up where the game is more taditional but uses bombs as balls.
Freudian Slip Up where the pins are nude females, perhaps milfs.
Presidental Slip Up where you dress up as an idiot and try to knock over the bill of rights (not enough for a ten pin game anymore!)


http://www.pbatour.com/

Role-Playing Game: D&D

Dungeons & Dragqueens (thanks Nicola).

With puns-a-plenty, this role-playing game is a twist on the classic D&D roll playing game. I'm guessing nobody who plays dungeons and dragons wears funny clothes (except maybe at nasty Renaissance festivals like Scarborough Fair). same probably goes for Transvestites. so...

who wants to help me write the game maps for D&DQ's first quest? we can print up some game boards and sell this as a fringe/nostalgic gag gift in malls everywhere!

The Racist Olympics

pit African midgets against the best Asia's got.

wait, that wasn't it. the racist olympics involve different countries boasting about accomplishments that no-one else cares about:

Korea: We make the stinkiest kim-chi in the world!
etc...

aQuaboogie 2006

it's about time i made it to an aquaboogie affair. for those still unconvinced, i highly recommend drugs around gay swimming pools. despite the first/worst fight with my girlfriend prior to the party (over me wearing a bikini) the event was a huge success, a highlight being the Gutter Elite drinking crew.

NICOLA: Nobody wants to see your bollocks sticking out all day!
WELSH JOHN: I do happen to be on pills. And cocaine.
MATTY-D: Driving in Taiwan is a constant game of chicken.
DONNA: I'm glad my (only) Chinese friend is Bob.
DECLAN: Now, that's house volleyball. (in reference to an impromptu game of volleyball in Carolyn's living room at 9 am).
LIZA: If they have hogs, they have bleach. (in reference to news of immigration via pig skins)

Abacus - Autistic

I want to learn the chinese abacus so well that I can compute large numbers in my head. You could convince people back home that you were autistic, using super-human calculating feats as proof. Then you'd say, "Haha! I'm actually normal." The cool part of the prank is the real story of learning an abacus in asia turns out to be weirder than the prank.