Women Spend £36,903.75 /life On Hair

I'm dating a girl from the U.K. and don't find this figure surprising at all. In fact, I'm sure men would be up there as well, if we didn't have the handicap of baldness. How much time / $ does any average person spend on anything spread out over their whole life? It's a gimmick. Calculate your daily habits and you'll probably beat the hair data too:

Toilet Paper $1,882.00
KY-Jelly $1,706.03
Books $9,753.08
Weed $105,600.00
Online Music $0.00

I don't know if I'm proud or ashamed at the way the KY / Toilet Paper data turned out. Oh and the 2.5 years women spend on their hair can't touch the 7.47 years i'll spend jacking off. (all figures assume a life span of 75 years, not adjusted for inflation).

Yf-Beater

pix soon. Dylan is the baddest ass funniest person on this planet (except for his brother...and that guy from The Wedding Singer). single-handedly making my day with a care package and providing me inspiration for my Halloween costume. Yanni + wife beater = Brainy Fat Weenie

Game: Name that Language

record soundbytes onto a CD and have players guess the language. maybe record the sentences backwards for the final round. watch for the all new Guess That Dead Language!

Invention: mp3 heartrate-beatmatching

iPod Heartrate BPM software that raises a track's tempo to match your heartrate. you could put a heart rate monitor in the headphones. the software should come w/key lock to keep the pitch constant. you could have the software adjust the tempo in micro-gradations, sampling at various intervals to achieve a smooth transition of tempmatching

"A good scientist is a person with original ideas. A good engineer is a person who makes a design that works with as few original ideas as possible. There are no prima donnas in engineering." -Freeman Dyson

this best explains the rift between my father and i. if only there were an obscure crevice for a transvestite in the vacuous folds of science...maybe designing a new universal fastener, which seems way overdue. we need to move past velcro. it's just too damn strident!

New Game: Saber Challenge
this one might be a contender for the Drug Olympics. go around the house and pick up things with a sword. ok. it really was fun at the time. quotes of the night: Where's Carolyn? In the 7-11 refrigerator...literally.

How I Vent My Summer Spacation

field trip to Flying Cow Ranch where it was hard to give a flying fuck about anything in the hot August sun. sorry for the lack of hedonistic revelry. this is how i spent August. working. it taught me how much more i hate work than i'll ever hate being poor.

Bad Ideas

A stink bomb device to combat cigar smoke. The problem is how to avoid stinking yourself out, as well.

Drug dissolving acid solution. The problem is avoiding unintentional acid burns. And the chemical solution would probably just preserve the evidence against you.

Fake DJ competitions. No-one is paying for music anymore, and now everyone is a DJ. So I'm probably not going to make any money holding a fake competition.

Pro-Huh?

leggo my preggo, finally a small step towards freedom from this thing called life. i used to feel guilty for being such a horny bastard until i realized that all life is predicated on being horny. which brings us to the stem cell research hubbub. are there really a bunch of armchair metaphysicians out there who believe that little "souls" are being pipetted into 8-celled embryos resembling miniature seahorses, only to be yanked out of existence as the tissue becomes livers and kidneys? at what point does life begin? i think helen keller answered that whilst describing what life was like before language:

Once I knew only darkness and stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.

So as long as we don't teach the stem cells sign-language, they'll never know what they're missing! And what of these cell souls? Do they get banished to the fiery depths of hell for never accepting Jesus Christ into their undifferentiated heart tissues? If that's holding up organ transplants and medicinal relief for the living occupants of this universe, then the deaf & blind are leading the dumb.

Cut N Blo

Not to fear, dear friends. Sorry for the lull in postings but the Cut N Blo party lived up to its name. I'll try to recover enough to recover some photos.

Geologists In Love

Nicola and I had a hoot stumbling on volcanic code words for our upset stomachs.

1) Shield Volcanoes, erupt hot fluid basalt lava and are almost never explosive.
2) Strato Volcanoes
3) Rhyolite Calderas
4) Monogenetic Fields
5) Flood Basalts

Nihilism

Nothing interesting to -- wait, oh, no, sorry, nothing to report.

Countdown for Mathematicians

I've just been informed there's a show called Countdown that is probably the most popular/coolest show in England. You have 9 letters to anagram and then there's a math round where you take six numbers and manipulate them into a target number. eg

10 99 7 5 1 36 can be made into 833

The math part of this game is really addictive, but limited only to addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication. I think it would be cool to allow factoring, fractions, and other higher-level operations.

Deformity

name of a heavy metal cover band where all members have some physical deformity, though you might get sued

Job Position: namer of electro house music tracks. i can't really believe it took me so long to find this genre of music. every one of my favorite books, protagonists, and memes is a song.

COLLEGE

Despite University spelling /yt is revinu/ backwards, the news is just in. UT Austin is the top party school in America. finally i can justify all those wasted moments/dollars.

Middle Nation

pop culture, as in burst or exploded. though China boasts itself as the Middle Nation, the U.S. is rapidly moving towards an empty, stagnant middle itself. americans know more about Snow White's dwarves than they do about the Supreme Court. they know more about Homer and Bart than the Iliad or Odyssey. it reminds me of the small children in Super Size who could name Ronald McDonald but not Jesus (ok, not all cultural erosion is bad).

r.o.H.i.V.

Finally, I can forgive my mom for the worst cut in my life. I always hated the hygiene argument supporting circumcision. Losing 20% of the nerves in my cock seems just a bit expensive, if all it pays for is an extra 5 seconds of washing time saved in the shower. But now, it the ROI is rolling in as researchers find cut cocks 60% less at risk in HIV infections.

SLOPS COPS

working 9 to 5 sucks balls. or maybe not even that good. it sucks lymph nodes. i find myself thoughtless, bereft of ideas, whittling away each day with sub-sufficient consumption ploys. i now understand Joe Everyman, click-clocking in and out like a good orangutan, ever chasing and inventing newfangled carrots to dangle not wrangle. the highlight of this week has definitely been dinner. after an unending sequence of hassles, whilst cursing god, we discovered a new TV show: SLOPS COPS. in a perverse display of SLOPS we had to sit next to the product of an adult friend finder blind date. bascially the fat white guy just sipped his beer as little china doll fawned all over him.

menstriation (n) the process of sympathetic mood swings and/or emotional volatility accompanying your girlfriend's menstrual cycle.

a better game than Boobs N Balls

parlor game: everyone writes down their favorite song, someone Limewires all the tracks, everyone guesses whose song is whose. *nicola thought up this one on the fly and it worked out great.

long party, no sleep, job offer at the gay pool

meet the tardigrade. this little guy can live without water for over 100 years. a sneeze can rehydrate the millions that live on your old clothes. that's how i feel now that i'm working mornings again. after 8 years of blissful privacy and faffing hibernation, my hatred for the (work) week has been rehydrated with the sneezes of small asian children. the good part is that i now understand why nicola falls asleep so easily at night.

VIP prayer BOX

if the Chinese are going to keep depositing paper money into their heavenly bank accounts at the expense of my pupils and lungs, then why not cater to the masses with VIP prayer boxes. each one comes with a Hell Diplomatic Passport, Hell Bus Passes, and Hell Currency. first 100 callers receive a limited Get Out of Hell Free Card.