Anti-Paparazzian Measures

Hugh Grant was arrested for hurtling baked beans at a photographer. I want to do that and I'm not even famous. In this Orwellian day and age of surveillance several ideas come to mind for you outraged Luddites.

1) Bad tempered helper monkey bodyguards - specifically Pongo pygmaeus which are noted for their "bezerk reaction to flash photography."

2) Bee swarms, though a bit unwieldy to transport, the key ingredient is a spray bottle of isopentyl acetate (bee pheremone).

3) Battery powered strobelight with 300 MHz wavelength modulation. $15.00 at RadioShack.

4) SneezeSpray

5) Eat the baked beans and fart mercilessly.

Roe vs (pinche) Wade

As American women lose their freedom, their southern neighbors gain some in a geosynchronous Yin Yang of personal liberty. The Mexican court also finds the 12-week benchmark a point of no return. "abortion after 12 weeks would be punished by three to six months in jail" Let's see, 9 months of biological parasitism, 18 years of financial parasitism, and a lifetime of guilt or three months in jail ... you do the math. Ok, I will.

Abortion Equation:
L(x) = i {F(x) - e^x}
(where x = your bank balance and i is the irresponsibility constant)

You can clearly see that if there is life to be had, it's not in the math or the state's hands. Let's put it back in the mother's.

New Earthlings Racist as Fuck

The discovery of a New Earth is really exciting if you think about how long the Christians have been able to stick their heads in the sand of this one. Of course, it'd be a real blow if the New Earthlings also happened to worship a red-headed Arab with a Spanish name. It's not surprising that we finally find these noobs (there are 100,000,000,000 galaxies, each with 100,000,000,000 suns out there). The odds of finding other Earths are at least as high as ruining your life winning a $1,000,000 lottery. Check the irony here.

Still the 20 (light) year lag in communication would make for some interesting 1st contact. It might be hundreds of years before we're past the small talk, only to realize, "wait, you guys are still into trance?"

Mushroom Googlewhack

balls lamp obsructed van gogh (Sean)
hoist hat beer scotalnd (Nicola)

Idiot Quotient

In lieu of the worst shooting in America's history, and compounded by the irony of the Supreme Court's Fuck You Women ruling, it's about time we find out who to blame. I was going to write a really witty questionnaire parodying American ignorance but got distracted by this video.

Airtight Fart Pants (SBV-BVDs)

We'd all like to harness the power of our rectums, but the key issue is timing. Save up all of those embarassing silent-but-violent moments for the guy who won't turn off his cell phone in the movie theater.

Freestylin'

gold medal goes to Sam

Schizophrenia Treatment

First learn sign language. Then try to sign one sentence whilst speaking a different one. It might help if you do it in different languages. This seems like a lot of work, but it'd make a good party trick even if you're not schizophrenic. (warning, might actually cause spilt-personality disorder).

How much do the world's 200 sign languages have in common? There should be universal things like 'eat' or 'me.' An interdisciplinary linguistic-anthropological thesis could study the divergence of cultural norms through the comparative visual-spatial manifestation of different signs. Of course, most people don't know shit about sign language so you could probably bullshit the whole thesis. A safer route would be to start the Disinformation Publishing Company and just print up a bunch of lies that sound believable. In honor of Vonnegut's "harmless untruths", the world deserves an Antiscience Fiction genre. Hey, it works for both the religious and self-help genres.

"American Sign Language shares many vocabulary terms with Old French Sign Language (LSF) because a French Deaf man, Laurent Clerc, was one of the first teachers of the Deaf in the U.S. in the nineteenth century. So if you know ASL, you're better off taking a vacation in France than in England!"

"ASL shares no grammatical similarities to English and should not be considered in any way to be a broken, mimed, or gestural form of English. In terms of syntax, for example, ASL has a topic-comment syntax, while english uses Subject-Object-Verb. In fact, in terms of syntax, ASL shares more with spoken Japanese than it does with English."

Coffee Table Book Table

It's really interesting how many inventions deal with "Signaling From The Grave." It was common for people to be buried alive, mistaken for being dead. You can find more on the internet for free there. I consoled myself with the thought that it'd make a good coffee table book. This spawned the invention of a coffee table internet browser. It has a glass top and is touch-sensitive. You could put a "blind" function on it where the screen would go dark, but still respond to the random input of some banal task, like eating dinner. After awhile you turn the screen on and see where your blind internet surfing took you. Maybe somewhere completely random and unexpectedly cool, like here. Pun aside, I love statiscs. No, fuck that. I don't. But I like this one part. If you flip a coin 100 times, there's a huge chance that a string of 6 straight heads (or tails) will emerge. This random # generator link above produced a string of eight! Dn't you just love it when stochastic calculus warrants an exclamation point?

Family Condom

"Family Condom ".

So very wrong on all levels. Apparently the entire family can enjoy Family Condoms together (as the illustration clearly shows). The implications of the illustration, and indeed, the whole concept, become more horrendous the more you think about it (and look at it). Also, aren't condoms supposed to prevent kids from manifesting? The timing of this coincides with a late night conversation Nicola and I had about the double entendre of an Adobe pdf. file.

49 percent

Within the United States, by analyzing data released from the 1990 census by the Census Bureau, the given name Kris was statistically the most likely to be used for either gender. Among the other names that were the closest to being gender neutral include the following (in order from slightly more feminine to slightly more masculine): Dominique, Gale, Leslie, Pat, Jody, Jesse, Morgan, Robbie, Kris, Frankie, Kerry, Johnnie, Carey, Tommie, Casey, Merle, Taylor, and Jamie.

One small step (towards Klingondom)

Engineers create optical cloaking design for invisibility. Problem is, it only works for one wavelength of light. I can see it now, another 80s radar gun/detector arms race. After they get this thing to work for the entire visible spectrum, spy agencies will have no choice but to employ flies. Or maybe Batman. There is the Orwellian danger that we'll all begin walking around cloaked and invisible (props Ralph Ellison) unable to withstand the inconvenience of normal human contact. Wait, that would never happen.

What do they think orgy means?

Those attending the orgy, a gathering of unrestrained indulgence in alcohol, drug, and possibly sexual activities, included 28 women and 27 men aged under 30 from northern Taiwan.

Original story here.

april fools...getting retarded

gold medal goes to Jonathan for being quintessentially superb.